BenPaddon.co.uk

Because I think I’m far more important than I actually am

Archive for the ‘Random’ Category

August-19-08

A Brief Aside about Robots

posted by Ben

Let’s imagine, for a moment, that you’ve been charged with the task of building a Robot. Let’s not worry about the Whys and Hows of this scenario, only that this is your job. You are going to build a Robot for Some Guy, and that’s pretty much all you need to know.

Oh, wait, one more thing. You’ve been told where to get the parts from. There’s Some Other Guy. He’s a pretty neat guy. You get along. You have shared interests. The problem is that this Other Guy is also providing parts for about nine or ten other people, so he’s not always able to get your parts straight away.

Now imagine that Some Guy, the same Some Guy who asked you to build the Robot, comes up to you to ask how his Robot is progressing. Well, you can’t answer him, can you? You don’t have the parts. It’s out of your control - Some Other Guy pretty much has the monopoly on Robot Parts, after all. It’s entirely out of your hands. You can learn how to build the parts yourself - that’s an option - but it’s going to take time. This Robot isn’t going to be finished any time soon. It’s annoying, but it’s out of your control and it can’t be helped.

“No,” said Some Guy. “You’re supposed to be building a Robot. Why aren’t you building a Robot? You should build me a Robot.”

So you explain, again, that you can’t get the parts. Some Guy doesn’t seem to care that you can’t get the parts. You’ve already got some of them, after all. He asked for a Robot. He should have a Robot. Where is his Robot?

It’s times like this, I’m sure you’ll agree, when you’ll wonder why you even bothered getting a job in Robot Construction.

May-23-08

The Doctor is in

posted by Ben

Vincent came into work yesterday after spending most of the week suspiciously AWOL, bringing with him one simple command: “Look in the freezer.” A short walk to the kitchen later, opening the freezer revealed… well, nothing. That is, until Vincent put his hand in and pulled out a nondescript plastic bag. He handed it to me, and I immediately knew what the contents were. I peeled away the slightly stiff packaging (arf) and inside was the Ninth Doctor, still bound and gagged. He has since been returned to his rightful triumphant position on my work desk, but there are questions which still need answering.

For instance, how did Vincent know? He claims he was little more than “just the messenger,” but I’m sure he’s more than just a simple Pez Dispenser*. I might even be inclined to say that he’s the mastermind behind the entire thing.

I shall keep you all informed.


* “Pez Dispenser” is a term I coined to describe any sort of job which adds an unnecessary component to a workflow. The thinking behind the term is this: Pez, those horrible yet somehow enticing fruit-flavoured candies, generally come with those horrible plastic dispensers in the shape of a cartoon character. The candy goes in and they can be dispensed by pulling the head back (apparently teaching kids that there are sweet rewards in store for breaking peoples’ necks). The thing is, you have to spend time and effort loading the candy into the dispenser before it can be, well, dispensed. It’s quicker, easier, and less of a chore to just eat the fucking candy and skip the dispenser altogether.

May-22-08

5/22 - Never Forget

posted by Ben

The Doctor lives. The organization responsible for the kidnapping have sent me this video and demand that I post it on my site if I wish to see the action figure again.

I have to say, I’m surprised that they were able to get Talking-To-His-Daughter-While-Drunk David Hasselhoff to participate.

May-10-08

Toe Cancer

posted by Ben

This evening my Dad, Stepmom and I drove over to Ikea (by way of a British pub in Burbank named the Buchanan Arms, which was quite nice despite the fish not quite meeting the standards set by the Robin Hood) where I bought myself a shelving unit for my ever-growing collection of DVDs, books and vidjagames. I was fast running out of space on my current shelving unit, which is more or less the size of a termite’s intestinal tract, so I decided I shell out the dosh on a fairly non-crap sized thing to put my shit on.

I could talk to you about how much of a pain in the arse it was to put the unit together (in short: surprisingly easy, although I had to move it out of my room and into the kitchen to slide the back on… hang on, that wasn’t quite as short as I was aiming for) but instead I’m going to talk to you about Bob Marley. “My,” I hear you say, “That’s quite a tangent even for you, Ben.” But stay with me, because it is loosely connected to our excursion to Ikea.

Whilst in Ikea looking at lighting (because the desk in the office isn’t quite as well-lit as it could be, and in the interest of not causing our retinas to dissolve into a fine paste we were on the look-out for some nice desk lamps) I spotted a guy with dreadlocks. I was ill and my brain wasn’t quite functioning properly and so mentally I made a rather childish observation - “Hey, that guy looks like Bob Marley.” I spent the rest of the walk through Ikea with “No Woman No Cry” stuck in my head, and rather oddly it was (I think) playing on the in-store PA system as I was going through the Check Out. So, not twelve minutes ago, I bought “Legend” on iTunes. I also looked up the guy on Wikipedia (the online encyclopedia that anyone can edit) and discovered he died of Toe Cancer.

I’m not kidding. The guy had melanoma on the big toe on his right foot, and chose not to have the thing amputated because it was against his religious beliefs as a Rasta. The cancer spread throughout his body until it reached the terminal stage, and even then he refused to draw up a will because to do so would bely the Rastafari belief that death is not an inevitability*. I’d spent a long time believing that Bob Marley had been shot at a concert for being too much of a hippie or some such thing. But refusal to let someone lop his toe off? Seems a little silly to me. The guy could still be knocking out cracking tunes today if he was willing to part ways with the big spud on his right meatslab.

Oh well. Not much that can be done about it now, is there?


*a belief no doubt concocted to ease the process of tax evasion. Actually that was a joke.

April-30-08

Questionable Motives

posted by Ben

I seldom talk about general religion on my blog. It’s usually an annual occurrence, and I don’t usually have anything insightful to offer. It’s usually “I’m not a religious person, but I’m open-minded.” That’s a stark change from the opinion I held five years ago, which was “There is no God, and if you believe in God you’re a complete and utter idiot.” It’s a stance which has softened somewhat over the past few years, but it has effectively remained the same - I don’t think there’s a God. The difference is that now I’m open to the possibility.

I had a small spiritual crisis back in ‘06 in part because spent a lot of time thinking about how, when I die, I probably won’t go anywhere. The thought of evaporating into nothingness scared me. It still does. I try not to think about it much because the last time I tried to imagine what ceasing to exist would feel like I was so utterly terrified I actually cried, and I found it more than a little difficult to get to sleep that night. Experiencing that make it very easy for me to see why people choose to believe in some form of mystical energy force that controls their destiny.

On the balance, I’m generally rather accepting of people’s faith provided they don’t try to push their faith onto others, or use their beliefs to justify the willful harm others, or try to use elements of their faith as an excuse for inactivity. I also take exception to religious leaders - and religious people generally - who make silly statements about how Atheists are an inherently evil people with no moral scruples simply because they haven’t any religious textbook to give them instructions for living and a basis for what is right and wrong. Frankly, That’s bollocks of the highest caliber, and it’s for this reason that I don’t give to explicitly religiously motivated charities - I can’t see past their faith, and I can’t help but feel that the only reason they’re doing whatever it is their charity does is because they’re trying to curry favour with their magical space wizard of choice. That’s probably a little narrow-minded of me considering that they’re helping people regardless of motivation, but it does seem more than a tad disingenuous to me. It’s a little on the slimy side, to be honest.

I recently finished watching An Evening with Kevin Smith (which I recommend to absolutely everyone ever, along with the second one) and he mentions how he was effectively roped into filming a documentary for The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince which was jointly about the release of his then-new album, and the beliefs of Jehovah’s Witnesses. At one point The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist asks those with faith to step to one side of the room, and those without to the other, and then tells the Atheists that because they have no faith they have no moral code and are therefore inferior people. Those with faith have a guidebook (the Bible, natch) and are, it seems, utterly incapable of performing evil deeds.  Further evidence, as if it were needed, that The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince is no more mentally sound that the Pope (who is also stark raving bonkers).

I find it a little funny that those who harbour a Carrie’s Mother level of religious conviction are so vehemently against criticism of their faith of choice and yet they have no qualms utterly bashing Atheism. But then we’re talking about people for whom Hypocrisy is a way of life - people who say that God teaches love and then go on to say that he “hates fags” and wants to see them all killed… which isn’t actually inconsistent when you consider that in the Bible God kills a good couple of million people compared to the number of people Satan killed - ten. If they ever get around to making Bible: The Movie God will have to be played by Vin Diesel, Jet Li or Chuck Norris.

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April-22-08

Because a Wizard Did It

posted by Ben

Below is a picture of actual text on an actual church sign that I actually drive past on my actual way home from the place where I actually work. Click to embiggen.

faith-thumb.jpg

Have you ever seen a more self-contradictory sign in your life?

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April-20-08

Terms of Endearment

posted by Ben

Am I the only person who saw the headline for this news article and immediately thought up a consolatory response from a loved one?

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March-17-08

Maybe I should be taking notes

posted by Ben

Humorous Pictures

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February-13-08

You Know What You’re Getting

posted by Ben

I’ve just had a look at the Amazon.com listing for the James Bond Ultimate Collection, and here’s the product description:

Disc 1: James Bond - Volume 1 - Disc 1 Disc 2: James Bond - Volume 1 - Disc 2 Disc 3: James Bond - Volume 1 - Disc 3 Disc 4: James Bond - Volume 1 - Disc 4 Disc 5: James Bond - Volume 1 - Disc 5 Disc 6: James Bond - Volume 1 - Disc 6 Disc 7: James Bond - Volume 1 - Disc 7 Disc 8: James Bond - Volume 1 - Disc 8 Disc 9: James Bond - Volume 1 - Disc 9 Disc 10: James Bond - Volume 1 - Disc 10

Disc 11: James Bond - Volume 2 - Disc 1 Disc 12: James Bond - Volume 2 - Disc 2 Disc 13: James Bond - Volume 2 - Disc 3 Disc 14: James Bond - Volume 2 - Disc 4 Disc 15: James Bond - Volume 2 - Disc 5 Disc 16: James Bond - Volume 2 - Disc 6 Disc 17: James Bond - Volume 2 - Disc 7 Disc 18: James Bond - Volume 2 - Disc 8 Disc 19: James Bond - Volume 2 - Disc 9 Disc 20: James Bond - Volume 2 - Disc 10

Disc 21: James Bond - Volume 3 - Disc 1 Disc 22: James Bond - Volume 3 - Disc 2 Disc 23: James Bond - Volume 3 - Disc 3 Disc 24: James Bond - Volume 3 - Disc 4 Disc 25: James Bond - Volume 3 - Disc 5 Disc 26: James Bond - Volume 3 - Disc 6 Disc 27: James Bond - Volume 3 - Disc 7 Disc 28: James Bond - Volume 3 - Disc 8 Disc 29: James Bond - Volume 3 - Disc 9 Disc 30: James Bond - Volume 3 - Disc 10

Disc 31: James Bond - Volume 4 - Disc 1 Disc 32: James Bond - Volume 4 - Disc 2 Disc 33: James Bond - Volume 4 - Disc 3 Disc 34: James Bond - Volume 4 - Disc 4 Disc 35: James Bond - Volume 4 - Disc 5 Disc 36: James Bond - Volume 4 - Disc 6 Disc 37: James Bond - Volume 4 - Disc 7 Disc 38: James Bond - Volume 4 - Disc 8 Disc 39: James Bond - Volume 4 - Disc 9 Disc 40: James Bond - Volume 4 - Disc 10

Disc 41: Sony - Casino Royale - Disc 1 Disc 42: Sony - Casino Royale - Disc 2

That’s helpful. Thanks.

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December-25-07

The single greatest timepiece in human history

posted by Ben

greatestwatch.jpg

Checking to see what time it is just got more fun.

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I’ve spent the past year or two trying to decide whether or not I want a tattoo. I’ve generally been against the idea, because I can’t guarantee that what I want now is what I’m going to want in a decade’s time. In fact the only constant I can even think of at any given point is videogames, but I was loathe to have Mario or a Worm tattoo’d on me*. Now, the idea of having a tattoo based on a videogame is no less insane than getting Winnie the Pooh tattoo’d on your ankle, or Mickey Mouse on your arm. This is a concept many people have difficulty understanding.

I remembered reading about Gabe from Penny Arcade actually getting the Pac-Man tattoo that his comic representation actually has, and for for a while that sounded like a cool idea. But I’d recently decided not to do that. After all, I’d just be copying him, wouldn’t I?

I began to think of alternatives, and short of having the Pac-Man maze tattoo’d on my back (no fucking way - that would hurt like Hell and I don’t want something that big) I was stumped. Then I thought about Space Invaders, and how awesome that game is. Space Invaders pretty much represents gaming, and has done since the seventies. It also helps that, y’know, I like Space Invaders (love it, in fact - it’s my second-favourite classic arcade game of All Time, just behind the aforementioned yellow man with the eatine disorder).

So I’ve decided I’m going to get a Space Invader tattoo’d on my arm at some point later this year. Odds are it will be my only tattoo. I really don’t see me getting another one unless I can think of a really cool Pac-Man idea.

invader.gif

Funky stuff.


* Bizarre fact: I once lied to everyone on the Gorum when I told them I’d had a worm tattoo on my arse, then had it removed with laser surgery. I forget why.

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January-8-07

Everyone loves their own brand

posted by Ben

Chaz is staying with us for two weeks, and so we’ve managed to network our computers together. I convinced him to install XFire, upon which he sent me the following delicious message:

i like to drink my own urine………….because its sterile and i like the taste

No further questions, your Honour.

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